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Flown The Nest Blog
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All good soap operas should portray real life situations. BBC television's, 'Eastenders', did not disappoint us with the episode on 25th August 2009, when the Empty Nest Syndrome hits the Masood family. Together with countless other teenagers in the U.K., Tamwar (actor Himesh Patel) awaits his examination results. He tells his parents that he has gained the grades he needs to be awarded a place at Oxford University.
When alone, his Mother, Zainab (actress Nina Wadia) and his Father, Masood, (actor Nitin Ganatra) reflect on what is happening.
Zainab – "Our job here is done."
Masood – "All these years everything has been about the children."
Zainab – "What do we do now?"
Masood – "Keep on keeping on I suppose."
Zainab – "They have all grown up. My baby is leaving home. They are all grown up."
Masood – "We are so proud of them. We have done a good job."
Zainab – Now in tears - "What am I for? I don't know what I am for any more."
This is the question that faces so many parents at this time of year. How difficult it is to adapt to this major change in our lives.
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It is that harrowing time of the year again for many parents when they are facing up to parting from their children as they leave for university. It probably only delays the inevitable, but it may reassure some parents to know that the U.K. government is proposing not to charge tuition fees to students in England, if they remain at home during their studies. From next year the tuition fee increases to £3,225 annually, which obviously makes this proposal financially attractive, particularly to poorer families. The saving on tuition fees, however, means that the government will not provide any other financial support, i.e. no low interest student loan or means tested grant.
The number of parents who suffer the emotional upheaval of children leaving home for the first time to go to university may reduce. I was surprised to learn that there is a growing number of students who now live at home whilst studying for a degree. In 1984, it was only 8%, but by 2008, it had risen to 20%. The introduction of student loans in 1990, replacing non repayable grants, has no doubt influenced this increase. Students who took loans out in 1990, are probably still paying them off now. It is estimated that students who started a three year course in 2007, will leave university with an average student loan debt of £17,500.
It will be a dilemma for parents. If we can financially support them, should we encourage children to study at home and have them close at hand for a further three or four years, at the risk of them not choosing the best course of study because the university is too far away? You may be lucky in that the best course is within travelling distance of home, but still your son or daughter may be denied the benefits of gaining life-long friends, living in a different community and acquiring independence.
If this idea becomes law, it will not take effect until next year. In the meantime parents must face up to the melancholy prospect of their offspring returning for the Autumn term, or leaving for the first time.
Last week, in a department store, I saw cards in various sizes for sale. They were replicas of posters which apparently the government prepared in 1939, during World War II, but were never issued. The cards bore the simple message, "Stay Calm and Carry On". It is not so easy to do this, however.
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I am not a doctor, counsellor or psychiatrist. I am a mother who has spent over half of my life bringing up my children, during which time, they were my whole world. I realise now, that when children leave home, especially the last child or the only child, there are two thoughts that immediately come to mind, "how am I going to survive them leaving home and what am I going to do with all the extra time I shall have?"
This, therefore, is why I started this website, because I feel apart from keeping busy, the next best thing is to talk to other parents who are also going through the 'empty nest syndrome'. There is no point in talking to someone about this who does not feel the same way as you, because they will neither understand nor be sympathetic.
I hope mothers and fathers will use this website to offer and receive advice and support on coping with this transition in their lives and at the same time, make new friends and eventually start to enjoy this time in their lives.
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We have been contacted by a father, who is in need of support and advice to help him cope with the prospect of both his children leaving home. His daughter, her fiance and new baby, left home last autumn and are thinking of moving farther away. His son is in his senior year. The father and his wife plan to move home themselves and his son does not want to go with them.
His wife has been their stepmother for many years and loves them dearly, but does not want children of her own, although he would quite like another child. He is not yet 40. She is looking forward to a quiet life. As he says, "I did not expect this to all happen so soon. I am just so depressed and cry all the time. Raising my kids was my life. Now I don't know what I am going to do."
If you think you can help this father cope with his situation, please click on "Members/Join", so that you can communicate directly, or, if you prefer, add your comments to the Message Board.
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I should not have been, but I was surprised to hear Goldie Hawn revealing how she felt when her children left home. She was being interviewed on the Graham Norton TV show last weekend. As you probably know, Goldie is a glamorous Oscar winning actress and film director, who caused controversy by appearing on the cover of Playboy Magazine, at the age of 39 and yet she was expressing the same feelings that many visitors to this site have experienced. She has two sons, a daughter, (Kate Hudson, the actress) one stepson and two grandchildren. She has been with her partner Kurt Russell for over twenty years.
Here is somebody who obviously had plenty to fill her life and yet she did not know how to cope with her children leaving home. In her words, "that empty nest thing is really real. When they left the house it was quiet. I tiptoed up the stairs. I looked down and Kurt was watching TV. I went upstairs – what do I do – nobody to cook for, nobody to do .... it was devastating. It really took me a long time".
Although she has survived two divorces, she would not want to relive that part of her life (children leaving home) – "the part that I look at and wish I did not have to go through that part". It seems that the plans Goldie had made to fill the gap in her life, were not necessarily the answer to her "profound empty experience".
I don't know whether I find Goldie's revelations reassuring or not. If she found it difficult to cope, then how much harder is it for someone leading a more mundane life? Certainly her statement "that empty nest is huge", cannot be disputed.
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I have been asked by a journalist if there are any visitors to Flown the Nest who would be interested in receiving life coaching. You must be in your forties and have a significant reason for wanting life coaching. Obviously, children leaving home and not knowing what to do with your life is a prime example. In return for the free coaching for one month, you must be prepared to be interviewed and have your name and photograph in an article, which will be published in the United Kingdom magazine, 'Woman's Own'.
The journalist only requires three candidates. Therefore, I cannot guarantee acceptance for anyone who is interested. If you would like to be considered and live in the United Kingdom, please e-mail admin@flownthenest.com and provide your name and telephone number, confirming that we may supply these to the journalist.
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